The Psycho Diaries
by Yami Roojii
Summary: The diary of Yami Bakura.
1. Week 1: Monday

This is my first story so please forgive me for any mistakes, I haven't completely figured out how to work this site yet.

**That's because you're stupid**

Shut up

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**Monday**

I've never kept a diary before, it's a sissy thing to do but Ryou insisted and when Ryou insists, you do. I learned that the painful way but I'd rather not go into that. At least he gave me a decent looking one, black leather cover with studs down the spine, it's quite nice actually, not that I will EVER let him know that. I have an evil reputation to maintain.

I was talking to Marik on the fellytone a moment ago; we were planning tonight's 'evil adventure'. We have an evil adventure approximately once a week (that's about as often as I could stand to see him). Of course I made the mistake of asking Marik what he wanted to do, I had to listen to a fifteen minute list of all the places and things that he wants to burn, bloody pyromaniac. In the end we decided that we will go to the cinema to see that new romantic comedy and totally ruin it for everyone else HAHAHAHAHAHA. I know, I know, that's not actually particularly evil but we all have our off days.

I am so bored! Marik isn't coming round for another two hours yet and I can't think of a single bloody thing to do! I haven't even got anyone I can pester 'cos the nerd herd have all buggered off on some 'friendship outing'. Wait, did I just hear a key in the door…

Ryou's back and he brought steak! Apparently they all had to come back early because Yami had a seizure, something to do with flashing laser lights. Must remember that, hehehe. Now, I must go and try to sneak that steak away before Ryou cooks it. I don't know why he insists on ruining perfectly good meat like that. I like my meat raw and oozing blood, or better yet, alive. Oh Ra I'm making myself so hungry. Must…get…meat…

It's mine! All mine! It was easier than I thought. All I had to do was throw Ryou's hamster's cage out the window into the garden and he went running. I don't know why he keeps getting these pets; I always end up killing them. I can't help it, it's my evil nature. Hm, I'm getting hungry again. I wonder what goldfish tastes like…

Not bad. I don't think Ryou's going to be too happy when he finds out that I ate his goldfish but he's up the vets with his hamster at the moment so it should be a while before he finds out. Oh, bloody hell! There's still another hour to go before the movie! Grrrr. Hang on, what's that smell. It smells like Marik.

It isn't Marik, the kitchen is on fire. Apparently Ryou forgot that he'd put his dinner in the oven before he went up the vets. I don't know what to do. Oh, wait, liquid right? Liquid puts out fire? Ok, here's some liquid, this should do it…

AHHHHHHHHHHH, why didn't that work! What the hell happened? I threw the liquid on the fire and half the kitchen exploded! What is this stuff? 'Low fat cooking oil'…oh shit, oil, now I remember. Marik said oil makes things burn faster. Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap. Oh Ra it's getting smoky in here. Oh, look the walls are spinning. I feel funny. Oooooh, Ryou is going to be so mad. What do I do, what do I do, what do I…do I…d…

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Well, there you go, that's chapter one. Please let me know what you think, be it positive or negative.**Yeah, let us know. We can take it. There'll be no repercussions for you...none at all. **  



	2. Week 1: Tuesday

**Tuesday**

I'm in hospital. Ryou got back from the vets and found me unconscious on the kitchen floor with my hair on fire. Luckily it was only the ends so I'm still beautiful. The doctor said something about severe smoke inhalation but I don't really care what the problem is as long as they fix it. It's not fair why do I have such a wussy Hikari. Yami got 'brave little Yugi', Marik got 'sacred guardian Malik'. What did I get? 'Cry baby Ryou'. All he's been doing since the doctor left is crying and sobbing; something about thinking I was going to die. Honestly! I'm quite insulted. As if a mere house fire could finish me off. Marik was quite disappointed when he found out he missed a fire. I promised him we could burn something when I get out of the hospital, he liked that.

Stupid nurse! I kept telling her I wasn't hungry but she insisted that I eat something so she brought me this plate of hospital shite. And do you know what I found under the cabbage? Mushrooms! Can you believe it! I was so outraged that I threw the whole plate at her. I mean for Ra's sake, doesn't she know? The government is trying to hide it but I know the truth you see. Mushrooms don't grow in the woods. They actually come from the moon. They are travel pods for the evil aliens that live there. These aliens hide in the pods, wait for a human to eat them, then take over the human's body once they're inside! But they won't get me! I'm on to them AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Wow I've never had a shot before, it was very relaxing. The doctor says I should be able to go home at the end of the day once they've done some tests. I told him I feel fine but he insisted that I have the tests. I would have sent him to the shadow realm for his insolence but Ryou is still here. Oh Ra, what's that noise? What's that smell? It's, it's…nooooo it's the nerd herd!

Why won't they leave! I've tried everything. I scowled, I growled, I did an eggy fart, I threw up on the floor, I pretended to be asleep, I even screamed at them to go away! Ok, that's it, last resort time.

Yes! Uzi – 1, Nerd Herd – 0. The only downside is that it looks like I'll be spending tonight in jail.


	3. Week 1: Wednesday

**Wednesday**

I am now officially a fugitive. The police did, as I suspected they would, try to put me in jail. I complied until Ryou left then sent the whole lot of them to the shadow realm, picked the lock and legged it. I'll just tell Ryou they cautioned me or something. As long as they don't mention anything on the news I'm ok. Hm, better bust the TV just to be safe.

Ryou wasn't too happy about me putting a golf ball through the TV screen but I think I managed to convince him it was an accident. Unfortunately he's noticed that his goldfish is gone. I suggested that it might have escaped and he gave me a really funny look. He does that a lot. I have yet to figure out what it is that I'm doing that he finds so odd.

Popped over to see Marik. He was trying to set fire to a shopping trolley, bless him. He just won't accept that metal doesn't burn. We went to the park to shoot pigeons. Marik got six and I got ten and a small child, mwuhaha. Ah, I just remembered, it's Marik's birthday tomorrow. What am I going to get him. Hmm, I shall have to ponder this for quite some time I think…

Oh screw him. I'm bored again. Wonder what's on TV. Oh wait, crap, I broke that didn't I. Um, ooh I know I'll try that toyboy thingy Ryou got me. It's one of those hand held eclectic gaming devices. Now let's see, what games do I have for it…

Pah! Stupid device. Things never broke so easily in my day! Hm, I have a sudden craving for Chinese food. Excuse me while I go and inform Ryou…………I just asked a book to excuse me, even I think that's a bit strange.

Ryou just got back with the food. I do love Chinese food. I'd quite happily kill someone for some special fried rice…then again I'd quite happily kill someone just for the sake of it so I suppose that's not saying much. Mmm, Chicken chow mien…at least I hope it's chicken. I'm not sure I entirely trust the cooks at Fuk Yu. Ooh! I just had a great idea for a present for Marik. Hehe, I think he'll like this. Better hurry if I want it to be ready for tomorrow though, where did I put my gun…


	4. Week 1: Thursday

**Thursday**

He loved it! And it didn't cost me a penny. I'm not sure Ishizu approved very much, Ra knows why. I think a stuffed squirrel dressed like a WWII German soldier is a great thing to have. Ryou hasn't found out that I'm wanted yet and I intend to keep it that way. I dropped the radio in the toilet, he listens to that while he's doing the housework, can't risk him hearing a news bulletin or something. I think I'm going to rent (by rent I of course mean steal) some movies tonight, I'll have to take them round Marik's though. I'm in the mood for some horror. Maybe The Ring or Dawn Of The Dead. They're supposed to be scary.

We just watched the movies and they sucked. Honestly, I've seen scarier things at the back of my underwear drawer. I've decided that me and Marik are going to make our own scary movies. What we're going to do is make one each then let Ryou and the nerd herd judge which is better. I should just film Tea for an hour or two, there's no way I could lose with that, heh heh. I feel that I need to do something evil. Hmm, what to do, what to do. Ah! I have it…

MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I am the king of evil! I now have something else to add to my 'resume of evil deeds'. I can't believe I didn't think of putting cling film over the toilet seat before. Hehehe, I think I'll go ask Ryou if he'd like a cold drink since he's working so hard and all. Aren't I a sweety.

My evil plan worked out better than I'd hoped. The nerd herd came round for dinner and I got Tea instead! Ah, if only I could have seen it. It was totally worth the thirty five minute lecture I got from Ryou. Hey, did that sock over there just move...It did! How strange. I know my socks are a little ripe but I didn't think they'd got so bad that they could move independently. Oh, no, wait, it's just a rat. Where's my crossbow…ah ha! Now stay still little buddy, you won't feel a thing…

Got it. I'll put it in Ryou's bed later. What's the time…eleven thirty. I think I'm going to go to bed. Maybe I can get some ideas for my movie from my dreams.


	5. Week 1: Friday

**Friday**

Shit! I just looked at the calendar and it's Christmas next Tuesday. I wondered why there was bloody tinsel everywhere. I hate this time of year. Everyone gets all festive and cheerful. It makes me sick! Fortunately my bedroom window is directly above the front door so if we get any carollers I can pour boiling tar on them.

For the love of Ra! Ryou just brought home one of those trees people get at Christmas, horrible, prickly bloody things, and he wants me to help him decorate it. He suggested we make our own decorations. There's no way I'm making little stars and fairies and shit. Oh no. He's getting little willies and small dead animals. He's not going to be happy but I'm miserable so why shouldn't he be too.

Carollers! Right, where's my vat of tar…

Ryou's angry with me. I told him that it was an act of God and he couldn't prove it was me. He yelled that he'd found my vat under my bed. I told him that still didn't prove that it was me. That was when he really lost it. I don't know whether you've ever been hit over the head by an iron vat before but it doesn't half sting. Oh well. It was worth it. I managed to inflict some pretty serious burns on some kids. I don't think they're going to be having a very merry Christmas, hehehe.

It's snowing. Ryou's happy. I don't understand. Why do people get so happy when it snows around Christmas time? It's miserable enough as it is without being bloody freezing as well! Oh no, THEY'RE here again. Why do they always come here? Grr, I think I'll go give Yami his present early…

Talk about ungrateful! Yami didn't appreciate his Christmas wedgie at all! It sounds like they're going to be having Christmas dinner here. I offered to cook. Ryou said that it was a nice gesture but I didn't need to trouble myself. I pretended to be really hurt and asked if he didn't trust me (I even did my wobbly lip thing). Ryou, being the kind hearted fool that he is, hugged me and said he was sorry and of course I could do the cooking. Ah, the looks on their faces, you'd think Ryou had just said we were having dog shit. Which, incidentally, we might be, I haven't decided yet.

They're still here. They're outside having a snowball fight at the moment. I don't think I can take the sound of joyous laughter for much longer, it's driving me mad! Where's that recording of Marik torturing that girl…

Ahhh. That's better. I've been thinking about what to do for Christmas dinner and this is what I've come up with so far:

Starter – Basil and bathwater soup.

Main – Roadkill, carrots that have been inserted up the behinds of cows, peas that have been marinated in urine, toadstools that I found growing under my bed (I panicked a bit when I found them because I thought they were mushrooms), potatoes roasted in car oil and gravy laced with laxatives.

Dessert – Christmas pudding made with mouse droppings instead of currents and raspberry jelly made with saliva.

I will, of course, tell them what it is…after they've eaten it.


	6. Week 1: Saturday

**Saturday**

Jingle bells,

Christmas smells,

Make it go away.

Aaargh. Now that I know it's nearly Christmas I've started to notice all the decorations and stuff. I don't know how I missed them before! My subconscious was probably trying to protect me by not processing the information properly…either that or it's the booze. Everywhere I look there's tinsel and baubles and little plastic Santa's. And everyone's so damned happy! I know what will make me feel better. I'll go and drop cherry bombs in all the collection buckets down the mall.

Hm, I seem to have become quite attached to this journal. I got all the way to the mall before I realised I'd brought it with me. It's almost like having a friend, someone I can talk to…without having to kill them afterwards in case they tell anyone else what I've said. It's kinda nice. Ok that's enough soppy shit. Cherry bomb time!

Nyahahaha. That was fun. Now I suppose I should get my Christmas shopping over with while I'm here.

Right I think I've got everyone's presents. Matching collar and leash for Joey, pink hot pants for Tristan, steroids for Yugi, an 'I'm with stupid' shirt for Yami, a dildo for Tea, dominoes for Duke, tanning lotion for Malik, Dragon paperweight for Kaiba (he gets a serious present because he doesn't feel the need for other people and I respect him for that), and a thong for Ryou. I'm not sure what to do about Marik. Whether to make him something to go with Herr Squirrel or whether to think up something entirely new. Hmm, I think I'll stick with the animal idea for now and just let inspiration come if it wants to. Oooh, hot dogs!

I found Marik's present. It's a solid silver lighter moulded into the shape of a coiled snake, the flame comes out of its mouth. I was walking along and saw it in a window and it just screamed Marik. The old lady screamed too when I smashed her car window to get it. I'd better go home now, there's an X Files marathon on tonight and I don't want to miss it (Ryou replaced the TV this morning, he found he couldn't function properly without his daily fix of Emmerdale).


	7. Week 1: Sunday

Holy flaming snotsickles!! An update! 8O AND I finally made it past my six chapter block!!! WHOOO!! X3

This chapter and the next are dedicated to Spidey meets Wizard-Theif. Bucketloads of thanks to you guys for pushing me to actually update. If you hadn't, who knows when or if this would ever have continued. :)

Fortunately, I had an hour and a half of baseroom study on Thursday, so I spent it writing. :3

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**Sunday**

Gyah! I hate being out of bed before noon, but before the sun has even come up?! This is an outrage and I shall most certainly be sending a very angry letter (plus curse, of course) to whoever is responsible. There I was was, minding my own business, happily dreaming of female attributes and whipped cream and what should fall upon my head? Only half the bloody ceiling! That is NOT a pleasant way to wake up, I can tell you. Once I'd spat out all the plaster I, of course, called Ryou to my room and screamed at him until the sun came up. I had to stop then because the sudden burst of light blinded me and drove me into my closet. I didn't come out again until he'd drawn the blinds, and he seemed in no hurry to do so.

The sun isn't too bad now. Some nice clouds came and covered it up and it was all nice and gloomy again for a while. Then that white crap started falling again, but at least it can't get at me as long as I stay indoors. Well, except in my room. I bet my possessions are getting lovely and wet...I'd better go clear them out.

Wow! You wouldn't believe the stuff I found when I was throwing my shite out into the hall! I found my Frisbee (the one I super glued razorblades to), my cherry bombs, some clean underpants, a stick of dynamite (a present from Marik, if I remember correctly), a bag of half eaten pickled onion Monster Munch (score!), and my gerbil (may the spirits guide his soul to the afterlife). So, all in all, this day hasn't turned out too bad. Now, please excuse me while I go build a nest in the spare room.

That's it, I've had enough! The decorations, the cheerfulness, maybe even the carollers, I can take. But I will not, I repeat, I will NOT stand for Ryou waking me up in the middle of the night to discuss bloody tree decorations! I tell you, that boy is unnaturally obsessed with that tree. I've found him just standing there, watching it for no good reason. I know for a fact he was there for at least an hour one time. Perhaps he has some childhood trauma I don't know about? Oooo, I'd absolutely love it if it was me that screwed him up! But I digress... (I found that word in the dictionary while I was reading it the other day and I've become quite attached to it). So, Ryou came into my new room, shook me awake, and then started going on about tinsel and candy canes. Apparently he's loosing sleep because he can't decide whether to have a star or an angel on the top of the tree. Like I bloody care! Why does he have to make ME loose sleep over it too? Selfish bastard. I told him this (though I'm not sure if he understood because I was still half asleep and there were a lot more curses in the original version) and he just gave me a blank look then carried on reading his 'To Do' list. So I just got up, took my pillow and left. As far as I know, he was there for the rest of the night, reciting his precious bullet points. I wonder if he ever noticed or cared that I was gone. I, meanwhile, spent the night on the couch. NOT comfortable, I promise you, the thing's a spring-loaded death trap. Why didn't I sleep in Ryou's bed, I hear you ask? Take one tiny little peek into his room, and you'll understand. The guy sleeps in a plushie filled, frilly hell dimension!!!!! It almost makes Tea's apartment look appealing. Almost. Long story short, I got no sleep last night, so now I'm going to go cheer myself up by buying the ingredients for Christmas dinner. By buy, I of course mean steal.


	8. Week 2: Monday

Update number two. :)

Now you only have to wait another year for me to get off my lazy ass and write a ninth chapter. XD

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**Monday**

Ra, I can't remember the last time I laughed this much! Today didn't start off any better than yesterday, I woke up when I rolled off the couch onto the tray of scrambled eggs and toast Ryou had left for me. Once I'd eaten them, I went to the bathroom and had...problems. Not fun. And THEN! Then Kaiba and mini Kaiba showed up. Kaiba was here to see Ryou for some reason. Personally, I think there's something saucy going on. That would be truly pukeworthy. Anyway, the Kaiba's showed up so I decided to have some fun. I don't know if you've ever lit a cherry bomb, dropped it in a bag of flour and thrown it at someone. If you haven't, you should. You never know, you might even have a stroke of luck like mine. I don't think I've ever seen someone jump that violently, the spoilt git never saw it coming. Apparently, he didn't see the basement stairs behind him either. I think I can honestly say, watching Kaiba do a windmill impersonation then go backwards down a concrete staircase was one of the highlights of my life so far. Ryou's girly scream did lessen the enjoyment somewhat, but I coped. So what if he's in hospital? So what if he's still unconscious and might have permanent brain damage? It was only a joke. I just wish Ryou would understand that. I wish even more that he'd come home. Not because I miss him or anything sappy like that. I'm hungry and I can't remember how things work in the kitchen, so many blinking lights and dials, it makes my head hurt.

...I got desperate. I lit a fire in Ryou's waste paper bin and roasted one of his leather shoes. Hey, it's cow, right? How different to the meat can it taste? Well, here goes nothing.

Ok, I learned something new about Ryou today. He's a cheapskate. Now excuse me while I go gargle the taste of hot plastic away.

That's better. Oh Ra no...I just looked at the calendar. It's Christmas tomorrow!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How did I forget AGAIN?!


	9. Week 2: Tuesday

8D At last, I unlazyfied myself long enough to update.

To anyone who's following this fic: Sorry. X3;;;;;; I'll try to update more frequently.

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**Tuesday**

I'm not getting up. I'm not bloody doing it, no matter what Ryou says. I'm going to spend the entire day in bed, dreaming about non Christmas related things. Boobs mebbe? I like those.

Ok, so I'm up. Bugger off.

Ah yes, that's better. Coffee makes everything seem bearable. So, this is it. The big day. The holiday that little kids look forward to all year, and adults won't admit to get excited about, but spend endless hours planning………..It's snowing and there's nothing in the fridge but a cow sized turkey. I'm cold and hungry. Personally, I'm not feeling the magic.

Hnnn, they're going to start turning up soon. I don't know if I can take any more. Ryou's been sickeningly cheerful all morning. He was _singing_ for Ra's sake. It was horrendous. I had to put teaspoons in the blender to drown him out. The star on my behaviour chart went down four points for mangling the teaspoons, but I don't care. He had to stop singing to tell me off.

Gyah! It's only been five minutes since my last entry, but I'm so bored!! When's Marik going to get here?! The bastard said he'd be here by 11! It's already…oh, wait, it's only quarter past ten. Shit.

The first one is here. It's Tea. I was hoping she'd turn up last. Of all of them, she's the most irritating. Purely because, no matter what you say, she doesn't get angry. The others all start shouting, or get violent, or even try to kill me. But not Tea. She just stands there, with this smile on her face, like she knows something you don't. IT MAKES ME SO MAD! I would like nothing better than to knock all her teeth out. I'm going to go upstairs and hide until the rest of them are here. I don't think I can stand to hear any more sappy greetings.

ZOMG (whatever the hell that means)!! I take back everything I said. I LOVE Christmas. Everyone's so trusting and gullible, and they all gather in one place! Dinner was pretty boring, since Ryou never let me do it in the end. All those ingredients I found and scraped off things gone to waste…Oh well, I'm sure I can find something to do with them. Oh, and I've decided I don't like turkey. It tastes like ass. Or maybe it's just Ryou's cooking, I don't know. Anyway, we all finished eating ass turkey and green crap, then Ryou brought out this brown fruit thing. I had no clue what it was, but everyone else seemed happy about it. Then he pulls out a lighter and a bottle of alcohol. As I'm sure you can guess, he had my full attention by this point. He was just about to do whatever it was he was going to do, when Marik spoke for the first time since he turned up at half past twelve (bastard…). He suggested that Ryou 'let me do it' since I hadn't been allowed to cook dinner like he said I could. So, Ryou just looks at me for a minute, then hands me the lighter and the alcohol. Honestly, the way he hesitated, you'd think he doesn't trust me or something. Mwahaha. I had no clue why I was holding these things. I told Ryou this (actually, it was more like 'what the f am I supposed to do with these', but whatever), and he told me to light the pudding. Now, what follows was an honest mistake. I had absolutely no idea that the brown thing was a pudding, so I just went with what I assumed he meant. I poured the alcohol over Malik and lit him. Seriously, the guy's been getting more than a little chunky lately. It was the most satisfying 'whoomph' sound I've ever heard. Oh the screams, they were magnificent. Screams of pain from Malik, screams of laughter from Marik and screams of horror from everyone else. It was even worth the two hour screech-a-thon from Ryou after they'd put Malik out and he'd been escorted up the hospital.

Ok, make that five hour screech-a-thon with a break in the middle. Ryou got his second wind.

Bah, they're all coming over again tomorrow. Apparently it's my fault, because no one opened any presents or anything due to the Malik-que. Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy. But then I remember the Pharaoh, and me and myself make up again to gang up on him. Alright, sleepy time now.


	10. Week 2: Wednesday

**Wednesday**

THEY KNOW!! They know and they're coming and they _know_!! Sweet merciful bunnies, I must hide the skittles.

...Ooookaaaaay, apparently I write in my sleep now. Weird.

Oh CRAP, I can't find the skittles anywhere. Sleeping me really knows his stuff. I guess I'll have to make do with the Minstrels.

AHAHAHAHAHA, no one's coming!! They all have food poisoning from the turkey! For some reason, me and Marik are fine though. Strange, but excellent. There's not many things funnier than tormenting a sick person. Hey, given Malik's condition (I hear he's still in intensive care), we might even be able to finish him off! Now, usually I wouldn't go that far, but since Ryou's sick and sleeping, as long as we make sure Malik is well and truly dead, he'll never know. BWAHAHA.

Change of plans, Finding Nemo is on.

Gods, I love that film. Anyway, Ryou just got a call from Marik. Apparently, Malik lost consciousness a few hours ago and they haven't been able to wake him up. Something about complications due to the combination of severe burns and food poisoning. I think. I wasn't really listening. Poor ickle Ryou is feeling all guilty since it was his dodgy ass turkey that's trying to kill him. It's hilarious...well, it is to me at least.

Ryou told the police that it was me who set Malik's fat ass on fire!! I can't believe it. I'm going to kill him. I'm actually going to kill him.

I'm currently sitting in a gloomy cell on a very lumpy, smelly bed. They let me keep this, so at least I have _something_ to do. Oh yes, I'm deadly serious this time. Ryou is going to die. It's going to take some planning, but I know I can pull it off without anyone ever knowing it was me. I don't want the Pharaoh seeking vengeance or anything. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to fill the rest of this page with doodles of Ryou dying horribly. Mnahaha.


End file.
